To be honest, I never had told her that I was suicidal without her.
Though, you seem to have a lot of good points.

I have lost most of my self-reliance and I kind of had been relying on her too much. (although, I highly doubt she knew how much I relied on her)
Also, from your last post, it really had a lot to do with the fact that she wasn't ready to commit her life to someone so early.

Anyway, I know I'm not ready for a relationship anymore. I couldn't stomach it at this point. Besides, I really don't want to put another girl that I may love into my life problems before I can handle them.

Ugh, fuck it. I'm hopeless.

I'll try and continue this conversation after I get some sleep. My mind is even more unstable when I get tired.
Gah, I'm sorry Zera. You really don't have to get involved... I just feel like I'm being an ass to someone that's trying to help me.

G'night guys... I'll see ya tomorrow.

(EDIT: I'll also see if I can give you a proper response tomorrow, Eeems.. once again, I'm tired and my mind is elsewhere.)

I am unsure if it's the same in all countries, states, hospitals, but my mom went to see counselors, psychologist, therapists and it only partially helps. The way it helps is that they can give advice on how to solve the problems. That's if you didn't heard it all alerady. Sharing your problems with a counselor might help, as he will know some advices to help you. However, it's a stranger, not a friend or someone close to you who care. Sometimes you just need to talk and for that it's friends, if they care. Personally I might only know you online but I consider you as friend. Idk on your side, but I personally do care. I might not be able to help you (my crappy social skills combined with my lower english skills makes it even worse, btw), but I'm here to listen. I might sometimes seems like I don't care that much, but it's not the case. I just tend to not show my emotions as much (I would win the jackpot at 6/49 or Super 7 and unlike most other people I wouldn't even go nuts. I would start getting more and more excited within the next few days). However I still care about you, even if we're several thousands of miles away.

Since you did talk to me alerady about stuff, I do personally know if you feel down it wasn't caused just by the broken relationship with your gf. It's other stuff that happened before and I can't imagine how much pain you went through. I won't talk about it, though, per respect for you, since it's supposed to be between us, but I do wish you didn't have to go through all this shit. A counselor/therapist might be able to help a bit, but personally I'm not too fond of the idea. Over where I live, there's a 12 months waiting list to see a therapist, psychiatrist and between 2 and 6 months for psychologists and counselors. In USA, waiting lists are shorter, but health care is not free (unless your parents got insurances). Second thing: when you go see such person, you generally go see her for short periods of time so you got to go see them several times afterward. Not only sometimes it's like once a week at most, but also, in some cases, you never get to see the same person everytime. Basically, everytime you go at the hospital or whatever, you'll have to tell all your problems over and over again. Not good IMHO. Maybe things are different in USA, though...

As for religion, it only helps if you believe in it, and it's everyone choices if they want to believe in something or not. Personally I don't. And I'm not going to start, especially not after I heard about the Duplessis Orphans incidents in the late '90s (which nearly leaded to religion demise over here the years after it made the news)

I am still unsure how you managed to get through all that stuff in your life. I'll be honest with you, whenever I open Omnimaga forums starting on late afternoons during week or during weekends until night, I hope you'll be online at least a few of the times I'll check and whenever I look at the front page or a topic then see your nick somewhere I immediately think:"I hope he's ok". Once I think I pmed you because you were not on chat for a long while. Unfortunately I got pissed (sorry again about that), but it wasn't at you, it's just that I was getting pretty worried so my emotions weren't really stable. Afterward you explained to me why tho, so I understood, but I was still hoping things were ok afterward. But If the person keeps everything inside and feels down, i tend to get more worried if I don't know what's up, which is why I am always open if the person wants to talk (providing I am online)

I don't want anything bad to happen to my friends. If it's a friend online or a friend/family member who lives pretty far away from me, I tend to get scared a bit more in some ways because if something bad is to happen, I am too far away to be able to prevent it or come to help. This is why sometimes I wish I or you lived closer. Personally if one of my friend lived close and I trusted him and had pretty huge trouble I would even be willing to take him home for a while (altough he would probably need to buy his own food, because me and my brother aren't really rich and the person would have to smoke outside because my brother doesn't allow people to smoke inside the appartment)

I just want you to remind you one thing Jeff (assuming it's your name, noticing your website copyright and Ticalc profile), your Ex was/is not the only person in the entire world who cares about you. I don't know about your family members, but you still have at least one (I am sure there are more) person who cares a lot about you, and I learned in my life that the few people who cares about you are what counts. I personally got through some hard times, but FAR much less worse than you, but I still had periods where I felt down and suicidals, especially during early 1999, a bit during early 2002, through 2006 and Early 2008, and what saved me everytime is reminding myself that there were some people who cared, even if some lived several miles away. Think about how all these people would feel if you disappeared completly too.

Anyway I wish I could help more. I hope you do understand what I mean and I hope things will go better as soon as possible. And remember, even if your ex decided to never return with you, I know it's hard, I lost people I liked before and almost wanted to disappear, but PLEASE remember what I said in the previous paragraph.

I do also hope none of the people here went, are going nor will ever go through the same shit