86 ASM, a gun loaded with mercury-filled cracked lead bullets to kill you so you'll think harder next time about not using it in game development
If Programming languages were cars...:
Real ASM would be a car powered by a large Jet engine where you control all of the engine components manually. If you mess up, the whole engine will explode, but if you do it properly, you have a good chance of breaking a land speed record. Either way, it's still illegal on most roads. It also happens to be the world's most fuel efficient car and can drive twice around the world before it runs out of fuel. When it breaks down, though, it takes a team of rocket scientists six months to figure out what went wrong.
"ASM" is a hand-built Bugatti Veyron. While it's not as fast nor as fuel efficient as its cousin, Real ASM, it's still one of the fastest cars in the world and legal on most of the worlds roads. It's very difficult to drive properly though, and you have to go through special training before you're allowed to buy one.
C is a high performance car built by a crack team of Ferrari engineers. It's not quite as fast as either of the ASM brothers, but it can rival "ASM" fairly well and will leave almost any other car in the dust. However, it was built without certain features such as air conditioning or radios in order to get good gas mileage and it breaks down every 50 miles for reasons no one can fathom.
C++ is another high performance car built in the same factory where C was built. Instead of the simple C design, the designers decided to use the existing C engine and rebuild the entire car around it to be more comfortable to drive. The result has radio and air conditioning, but the controls are on the other side of the car where no one can reach them. Versions of the car were shipped to all existing C owners in the hopes that they would drive C++ instead. By some mysterious process no one quite understands, C++ manages to get better gas mileage than its predecessor C and only breaks down half as often.
Java is a Tank painted Ferrari Red to look like a sports car. It's a lot easier to drive than C or C++ and it can cover any terrain imaginable, but you're likely to die of old age before you arrive anywhere if you take it on long trips. Occasionally, when traveling through forests, bogs, or random warzones, Java can even be faster than C++. However, it can only go about two miles before running out of fuel and less than ten people in the world know how to build another one if it happens to be hit by an anti-tank missile.
Visual C/C++ is like C and C++, except that it can only drive on roads that are perfectly straight. If you attempt to turn, it will automatically crash into the nearest ditch.
Visual C# is like Java, except it can only drive on the same roads as Visual C/C++. There's an international effort in the works to put a steering system on it so that it can turn without crashing, but it hasn't been perfectly successful.
Python is like a Mitsubishi Evolution. It's a good beginner's car with exceptional handling and is fast enough for most normal driving. It manages to get decent mileage and doesn't break down too often. However, the only races it ever wins are those involving outrageous turns or unusual terrain.
BASIC is like a Hummer H1. It's a big, lumbering giant with horrible gas mileage, but it's relatively easy to drive and no one will mind if you run over a few dozen Toyota Priuses or so. However, it's rumored that driving this vehicle will cause one to be unable to learn how to drive any other car.
Prolog is a new type of car. You tell it where you want to go and it will drive you there itself. However, it tends to take very odd routes and can get very bad gas mileage if the location isn't properly described.
Haskell is a car that serious car enthusiasts are hesitant to even consider a car. No one really understands how it works, but it does and it somehow gets reasonable gas mileage.
