Author Topic: Jokes (Read 6696 times)

necro · « **on:** February 15, 2006, 06:36:00 am »

I heard when Cheney was hunting he yelled "quail!" Mos people would have yelled "duck."

Your mama is so fat, every time she turns around its her birthday.

Whats red and blue and screams alot? A skinned baby in a bag of salt.

What do you call some one with no shins? Tony.

Ever heard the one about the fencer and the trapper? It will catch you off gaurd.

kalan_vod · « **Reply #1 on:** February 15, 2006, 12:50:00 pm »

Well I guess this is a good thing you made this thread, this was just emailed to me. It's kinda long, but it is quite funny

.

QUOTE

Finally a joke that explains what it's like to be Canadian...
>> >>> >
>> >>> >Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six
>> >>> >days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the
>> >>> >seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a
>> >>> >deep sigh
>> >>>of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the
>> >>> >clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked
>> >>> >puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've
>> >>> >put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place
>> >>> >of great balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God
>> >>> >explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern
>> >>> >Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern
>> >>> >Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot
>> >>> >spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there
>> >>> >is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different
>> >>> >countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will
>> >>> >be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed
>> >>>by Gods work,
>> >>> >then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's
>> >>> >that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on
>> >>> >Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an
>> >>> >exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest,
>> >>> >intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the
>> >>> >world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving,
>> >>> >and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers
>> >>>of
>> >>> >peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey
>> >>> >players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
>> >>> >Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What
>> >>>about
>> >>> >balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely.
>> >>>"Wait
>> >>> >until you see the
>> >>>loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them...."

rivereye · « **Reply #2 on:** February 15, 2006, 01:57:00 pm »

sounds like the Michigan UP joke against the lower pensullia, too bad I am a troll though (those who live south of Mackinack Bridge)

CDI · « **Reply #3 on:** February 15, 2006, 02:02:00 pm »

that is awsome

arti · « **Reply #4 on:** February 15, 2006, 03:35:00 pm »

tifreak · « **Reply #5 on:** February 15, 2006, 03:59:00 pm »

I don't feel like posting these again...

http://www.unitedti.org/index.php?showtopic=4453

http://www.unitedti.org/index.php?showtopic=4451

spengo · « **Reply #6 on:** February 15, 2006, 04:27:00 pm »

QUOTE

This is not meant to offend or support any or either political party.

HOW DO YOU VOTE?

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and
Southern Republicans?

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do? See below....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few
days and try to come to a consensus.

Scroll down

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:

BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!click.....(sounds of
reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points ?"

Son: "Git-r-Dun Pop! Can I shoot the next one!"

Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!"

tifreak · « **Reply #7 on:** February 16, 2006, 02:06:00 am »

Not offensive, merely the truth.

spengo · « **Reply #8 on:** February 16, 2006, 10:55:00 am »

How bout this:

Q: If your floating down a river in a concrete boat and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes does it take to shingle a doghouse?

A: Ice cream has no bones!

CDI · « **Reply #9 on:** February 16, 2006, 11:00:00 am »

wow... that's funny

how 'bout this one

3 men are camping. The first one gives a sealed jar to the second one and says "I have just passed gas". The second looking at the first exclaims "You make less sense than 2 pennies!" while he lights the logs. The third grabs the recentally lit log and runs away yelling "Damnnit man I'm taking fire!"

Author Topic: Jokes (Read 6696 times)

CDI

arti

spengo

spengo

CDI