I am making a big decision atm. I know most of you want me to stay in the community and want to see Super Mario Smash Dance finished, but I don't know if I can keep it up any longer. Lately I have been kinda depressed, if not suicidal, and being kinda upset I caused lot of trouble and grief here and on IRC. I am very sorry for having caused this. I also apologise for all the fuss I caused in the community over the past year with my endless whining about small stuff and making huge things about it. I wish nothing of this happened. This include my huge rant on Unitedti one year ago, my spamming on Calcgames last summer, my Kerm bashing petition I posted on every forums I visited back then, jpez petition, the several forum shut downs over here, my power abuse on IRC and some other stuff I might have forgot about. I actually have very serious self-control problems when I am upset and am not myself most of the time this stuff happen. When I try to help I often end up causing more problems than benefits. This made most of you upset, and this caused lot of grief to forums members. This doesn't mean this can't be stopped, but I don't know if I am done for online commumities. Some of you might not know, know, or might have a little guess about this, but I am different than most of you, I am more sensitive than normal, I become mad faster than normal and I always do stuff I regret afterward. Plus I am very protective to people. 2.5 months ago I posted this on Omnimaga forums, Maxcoderz and Unitedti, this can explain a few things (I am reposting it here because the old Omnimaga forums were deleted and the post is not avaliable for read here anymore):

"Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:49 pm    Post subject: Stuff you don't know     Reply with quote
Sorry that post migth be a bit too much information, but I felt like i should let you know about what's have been up lately. That wasnt really easy to explain what's following in english when it isn't your native language, I hope ppl can still dechiper though what I mean. I know some of you wanted a new RPG from me, a new pixel art contest and maybe even a programming contest at omnimaga and some are probably wondering why I havent programmed anything besides XXR since last summer. If that doesn't happen it isnt because I am lazy or don't want to do it, it's because I have been going through lot of stuff lately, plus there is old stuff that still trouble me a lot because this has caused me lot of problems over the past years and I can barely do anything about it.

Right now I am in the process of finding someone else to continue running the Omnimaga website or help me doing so and even if the RPG section is left dead, at least continue running the programming team that keep the website active right now. I have practically lost all interest in working on it, sometimes it takes me over 1 or even 2 weeks to awnser someone's request, add a game to archives or test a new released demo someone send me and I even seen myself posting a news about 2 minor forum updates one whole month after the updates. I have a few RPG sitting on my hardrive since two weeks ago which I havent put yet in the archives. On the calc relate side whenever I try to sit down I look at the code then says "bah" and let the calc turn off by itself, I can't concentrate anymore on doing anything anymore as I always think about stuff, basically I always end up doing useless 4 level grayscale demos, map engines that always end up slower than the originals and I don't do anymore pixel art. I even have issues concentrating myself writing this. Most of the time I will end up idling on IRC while checking some forums then other sites, nothing else. I practically don't go on AIM/MSN/ICQ anymore. I feel depressed all the time, feel nervous and sad most of the time. And with the time it just get worse. Sometimes I even feel suicidal. All the things that happened kinda seems to make my mood random at times. I remember being fine for a few hours then suddently feel depressed for the rest of the day, or vice versa. Only thing that I noticed with the time though is that I am depressed more and more often than feeling fine.

Lately I have been kinda emo and now practically every lil things that happens makes me upset or make me overreact in some cases. That's also due to some stuff that happened several years ago as well. It isnt a big deal to have to go to bed at restricted times (like 10 PM) while you know everyone else go to bed at later times. I tried to explain this to my mother several times and all she told me is that we (me and my bro) are gonna make too much noise while she sleep and if we want to go to bed later to leave the house and find a new appartement. This is what I want to do, however at 600+$ per month I cant really afford it. Plus most appartements are only avaliable on july 1st, so I still have a long time to wait. I might end up having to live with my bro or a friend. But until now I still cant go to bed at normal hours. Result: I end up waking up earlier than normal because I don't need that much sleep (8 hours per night is enough for me). That piss me off because I am 19.5 years old and this limit applies to weekends as well. Basically as soon as she goes to bed, we go to bed too.

Also at the moment we are still going through lot of fuss between my family and my mother. This started like 4 years ago when my grandfather (who is dead right now) went to hospital. We had to sign a few papers and do some stuff, and my mother was designed to take care of him. However lot of people in our family are just troublemakers, they talk in ppl back, try to put blame on each others, and they always went into fights. I even seen many cases where police was involved, lot of lawsuit, in other word lot of crap. Basically the only members of my family I still see anymore are my bro, my mother and my grandmother. At christmas there is no party, we are all 4 alone, and sometimes 2 or 3 friends, thats all. Basically the only thing that is different during christmas time/birthday/other special days is that we get some gifts. We didnt wanted to be involved anymore into their fights so we arent seeing them anymore. To come back to my grandfather thing those troublemakers started causing trouble to my mother, like hiding important papers, stealing money in my grandfather bank account so my mother cant pay the hospital room bill anymore, etc, so she decided that she werent in charge of taking care of him anymore and decided to design someone else for that, and obviously no one wanted to do it, and they started blaming my mother for not wanting to take care of him and that she was selfish and had no feelings, which is untrue, she just didnt wanted trouble. You may be wondering what I have to do in this. Nothing, but this fuss has almost caused me to lose one of the best person I ever knew in my life. All this caused my mother to go into a big depression and she even attempted commiting suicide. I was here at home, she wasnt eating anymore, then told us to leave the house and that she wanted to dissapear, so we brang her to hospital. Luckily she was feeling better after a while. I dunno if I would still be there if she did something that bad I would prbly have did the same. Right now this fuss is near ending, and I hope it will not continue further, this has caused pain to ppl I know and myself and I have enough of lawsuits and all those things.

As we didnt had enough trouble with my mother family, someone my dad family (which is also dysfunctional) started causing trouble as well. Back in summer 2004, someone told my father we were trying to cause him trouble which was untrue (in fact it was THIS person causing trouble), so one day I try to call him (becausemy my parents are separated since I was 8 months old) and he told us he doesnt want to see us anymore because we were trying to cause him trouble. We tried to call him again to tell him we didnt caused any trouble and that was someone else and we got a letter from the court saying that we were no longer allowed to call him anymore and if we did we would be in the middle of a lawsuit. I never saw him again since then. We have a clue of who did it, but we have no proof, so we cant do anything to prove it wasnt us. So basically I have sort of like one parent left in my life.

I just hope all this end up soon. Also some people might be wondering why I become upset everytime someone get flamed, attacked or anything of the sort, even when I am not directly involved or not involved at all. I am sorry for all the fuss this has involved in the community and the trouble it migth have caused so far, I need to try to be careful with that, and I dunno if I should take a break from the community for a while until my other problems ends then come back once I have less stuff going on. Only thing is that I don't think I'll ever be able to stop defending people when something happen to them, I can try to avoid this and ignore bad people but sometimes it's unavoidable and I always seems to defend people by reflex and I am unable to control myself to stop doing this, this affect me as much as if the flames/attacks were directed to me, because I know how the people might feel and I hate when people cause trouble to others. I wasn't always like that, I have always been kinda sensitive and emo and people can easily put me down but I only defend people like this since 8 years ago and I didn't wanted to be like this, sometimes I just feel like dissapearing from this world because this have always caused me too much trouble, in real life, ti community, everywhere. Over the years I realised this was because of what I went through 8 years ago, and I doubt it's because of other stuff, because before this happened I never defended people like this, in fact I was even laughing sometimes when people was making fun of someone, depending of what it was. I only started defending people 7 or 8 years ago. I am sure a whole lot of people here on those forums got harrased and were laughed at during their whole school period and that still happens today to some people there. Actually I have also been bullied during all my school time a lot. Plus I dunno why but lot of people always seemed to be rude with me, and I never did anything to them, and that always happened. However at school I started learning how to deal with troublemakers very early and I was ignoring them after a few years. This worked out pretty well and after a while practically everyone who made fun of me before didnt do it anymore and some ppl even started talking to me nicely afterward. That worked, except during my first year of hi school (7th school year, back when I was 12)... I still have very bad memories of that year, and I am still surprised I made it through, if it wasn't for a few ppl support I wouldn't be here talking to you right now, I would have either abandonned school and never knew about calcs community, or I would have ended my life. I remember going at the top of the cliff near my old home and looking at bottom, I'm glad I though about my few friends and my parents at that time otherwise I would probably have done something very bad. Actually you have no idea what I went through that year at school, only way to find out for you would be to go through it yourself. Some people prbly did but I must told you that wasnt easy at all. Imagine yourself walking at school, every morning, knowing you are going to be bullied by at least 6 or 7 people before every classes, knowing that you'll prbly not even be able to concentrate during that class because of ppl poking you while listening to the teacher, laugh at you because of your apparence and your way of acting, disturbing you all the time to insult you, trying to scare you, letting u small insult paper notes on your desktop while you are away, draw stupid stuff in your school books (using encre marker) while you are prohibited to do so (since its books that teacher lend us) or even insult about me on the board, and that everyday, practically every classes, and the worst thing is that its not like 5 or 6 students doing so, that practically everyone in the class. Everyone harrased me and I even remember going out of control once and hitting someone. I didnt got suspended of school that time because the counselor at school understood the situation, however that guy and his friend were waiting for me outside school at 4 PM... there was even some sexual harrasement from a few students, but unfortunately at that time I didn't though this was considered as sexual harrasement (verbal). I almost failed my 2nd semester exams because of this and I went through a bit depression, wanted to dissapear completly, etc. I almost lost interest in everything, at the end of each school days I was doing a jumpkick on my locker (well everyone did that, but I think i need to vent my frustration on something) That lasted one whole year, which i didnt got easy. It was so much that I wasnt exactly the same person anymore afterward, I was defending people when they got victim of similar stuff, I became upset easier with stuff and I kinda isolated myself for a while. I just wish that nothing of this happened, it just make me feel worse and this end up making me do stuff I regret afterward and overreact all the time. I even considered leaving the whole community sometimes to prevent this from happening anymore because I don't really program much nowadays and all I do is hangning around here and I think I caused too much trouble in the community with my petitions and topics against flaming. I only stay because there is people I like in the community and I am looking forward for many games they are working on.

That's it I think, I'm sure I forgot something but that give you an idea of what I went through. I know this might be too much info and some people might think I am trying to get attention, but that's because I am unable to talk about this stuff (especially the last part) in private, this just make me even more sad and depressed, I even had to stop myself 2 or 3 times writing this (plus 4 other times maybe because I was too much busy). Plus I didn't wanted to repeat everything to everyone who wanted to know what was going on with me over and over so I though I would post this here so I don't have to talk about this over and over. Again sorry for the trouble I might have caused in the past year. "

So for now I decided to leave the community as a whole, including this forum and IRC. I don't know if I am ever going to come back, it might be tomorrow, like it could be next week, like it could be next year, but it could be never. I think I have caused too much grief in the community, especially here on this forum and on #omnimaga , and some people even left. I don't think I am done for managing an IRC channel, thus I given my IRC powers to Tenniskid493. I think it might be better if I didn't came back. On other forums there is people who want me to leave anyway. Whatever how long it will take, I will miss you guys, I hope to see Omnimaga continuing growing up during my absence and maybe even becomes better than it is now. Again sorry for all this.

*CDI

I do hope you come back soon, but take all the time you need, there are enough people here who have enough powers to keep things running.

Please note that any things against Kevin and his decision on IRC when I am on will result in an automatic kick, no exceptions, I don't want to have to deal with bashings. Please do not think this is harsh (Admins/Managers, if you think this is rough, I will pull back)

Bye Kevin, I hope you will return at some point.

- Alex

Kevin...

I know you haven't visited in a while, but if you need a place to chill out and talk, feel free to use CH... there, you don't have any powers to abuse and I'll make sure to deal with troublemakers.  Anywho, I'm very sorry to see you go, and I really hope that you come back at some point in time.  (Hopefully, very soon.)  

In the meantime, I've been having small bouts of depression lately as well, dealing with troubling social issues... while I certainly know that they aren't as potent as your bouts of emotion, I would like to mention that seeing you come back would most certainly raise all of our spirits.  I wish you the best of luck, all of my prayers, and the knowledge that you WILL come back to us.

O_O wtf... I was just gone for one day and now that...

ah well, it IS your decision, and if it makes you feel better, I do support your decision and will wait for you to return... everyone has the right to take a break, especially awesome programmers like you!

QuoteBegin-allynfolksjr+May 5 2006, 03:38 AM-->

QUOTE (allynfolksjr @ May 5 2006, 03:38 AM)

Is there a reason I've been banned on #omnimaga? That was all that needed to be asked

allynfolksjr: dude, chill... it's not that big of a deal